1. Don’t buy anything nice until the kids move out! They'll just break everything anyway, so buy cheap stuff.

2. Buy single ply toilet paper. It may be rough, but you'll save!

3. Just feed cows hazelnuts! (In regards to hazelnut coffee creamer)

4. Bring a hot chick who “likes” chicks to a strip club… apparently you can save big time cash!

5. Stop eating so damn much!